Overly precious or expecting too much

I’m starting to wonder if the atmosphere in raiding is what’s getting me down. But I’m not sure if I’m just being overly precious and I need to learn to ignore better.

I’m the only female in my 25man team, I was the only female in my 10man team for all of Throne of Thunder and I never noticed it. Vent was reasonably mature, I didn’t feel singled out or uncomfortable with vent chatter, i.e. it wasn’t overly filthy or full of sex jokes but 25man is turning out to be different.

I ended up feeling cross last night,  we were waiting and waiting for dc’d people so there was a bit of a lull in vent when out of the blue someone dropped the comment “I have a question… why does my balls sink but my dick float”.  Everyone laughed then someone said “Z must not be enjoying vent atm”. Tbh I know it was fairly innocuous comment but it got under my skin so I responded in a way that I normally wouldn’t with  something along the lines of “I don’t know why that sort of crap has to be said on vent”. Someone responded “she’s probably trying to imagine it”,  which made me even crosser so I logged off vent completely. I stayed off for about 5 mins until I realised that  the Raid leader wasn’t in skype like usual (the original members of the 10man – there are only 6 of us – are usually also in skype together as well as vent) so I had to be on vent to hear his calls. So I logged back on and  muted a lot of the raiders.

Maybe I’m just being overly precious, the crap that goes on in vent isn’t actually directed at me and most of the time it’s not really filthy just the sort of stuff you’d expect from young boys – crass but not super offensive – sex jokes, talking about masturbation, who knows what else – most of the time I pretend I don’t hear it. It’s just started to get to me a bit lately, it’s fairly frequent and tbh it’s not coming from a bunch of 16year olds  (well I’d assume that most of the raiders would have to be in their 20s at least), so it’s a little annoying to have to put up with immature crap from adults.

I don’t know, I guess I learn to ignore the crap that goes on. Maybe I’m expecting too much to have reasonably clean vent talk during raids. I’m guessing from watching general chat on my realm  during raid times that a lot worse is being said so maybe I am being overly sensitive.

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20 thoughts on “Overly precious or expecting too much

  1. I had a raid member, a young woman probably about your age, who could make men quit the raid team and guild with her excessive bawdiness. Most of the men were embarrassed by it (I didn’t really care: just thought she tried too hard and needed to lay off the hash pipe perhaps). The thing is you want to socialize with folks who get you, and you get them. The weird thing about raid teams is it is a bandy group of virtual strangers by and large, and too much control does get annoying. That’s got to be tough. I have a co worker who has a very crude sense of humor and I think he’s hilarious, but other (women) have “tattled” on him. He never says anything that would be construed as sexual harassment – it’s all in silly fun. Now one boss I had did say things that could be taken no other way than being a sexist pig. How do we discern between silly fun and mean intent? Guess the person on the other end: sounds like they knew they were getting to you, and teased you all the more. Personally, I hate practical jokes, but others think I’m the wet blanket for not liking them. Not sure what to tell you: perhaps with all immature behavior keep your cool, or just call them all a choice name. I can think of a few. 🙂

    • Thanks Matty, I think trying to keep my cool is probably the way to go. I’m not really the sort of person who is bawdy, most of the time it comes out awkward so I really don’t like getting involved in any sort of talk like that, If that makes sense. I don’t want to be jumping up and down saying don’t say this, don’t say that – that’s not fun for anyone.

  2. Honestly, it’s neither! The thing about a guild and a group of raiders is that sometimes you click and sometimes you don’t. This kind of chat goes on all the time in my raid, and I can’t say I’m innocent. If someone says something I really don’t like or I’m really not comfortable with, I’ll make the choice to ignore it (usually, if no one responds, it dies in the water like a bad joke) or, if it’s serious, I address it.

    It might be that this group your original ten teamed up with isn’t really your style, and that’s okay! Your options then are to ignore it, bring it up to an officer (my experience is that in situations like this, the unfortunate truth is that you won’t be taken seriously if you confront it yourself), or find a new place to hang out that doesn’t make you uncomfortable.

    Regardless of your choice, whoever called you out by name, though; had no business doing so. Talk about your privates all you want, but if I’m staying out of the conversation, don’t rope me into it.

    Ultimately, you deserve to enjoy your environment, and that doesn’t make you overly precious at all, but it might mean you have to find a way to make things more comfortable, whatever that ends up meaning for you.

    Good luck! ❤

    • Normally I would ignore it too, it just got under my skin that they were talking like that out of the blue. I don’t really have an issue with 18+ converstation, can’t really think of any way to put that, but when its so stupid and out of the blue then its silly. I think you hit the nail on the head – what upset me was being called out specifcially, if I had an issue or you thought I wasn’t enjoying the conversation talk to me privately. Having my name put on vent means I can’t sit there and pretend to ignore it any longer. I think I’m probably not comfortable in the raid team but I don’t to be jumping raid teams around either, I guess I’m a bit nervous about having to start all over again, so I’ll keep trying to ignore it and let it pass over me.

  3. Personally if I wanted to hear silly boys talking about masterbation and whatever I can get that in trade chat. I certainly don’t want to be hearing about it in my raid team.
    I don’t get offended by what people say in trade chat – I accept it for what it is and tend to just laugh about it (don’t feed the trolls) but that doesn’t mean I want to hear the sort of things trolled about on trade chat on vent in my raid team.
    And it does sound a bit like they’re trolling you Z. They might think they’re hilarious, and tbh a lot of the raid team probably think they’re hilarious, but you don’t. And once they got one reaction out of you they might just ramp it up a bit. And as the lone woman in a 25 man raid team of guys I don’t know how much success you’ll get if you take your complaint to the raid leader.
    Bottom line is – I wouldn’t expect them to change if most of them are having fun with it, and there’s nothing stopping you from leaving the team to find one that suits your sense of humour better.
    There are many raid teams out there, why should you stay somewhere that will make you uncomfortable? I’m in a raid team that has fun, with no mention of genitalia or masturbation. Sure, there’s swearing and risque jokes but nothing that offends anyone and there are three women in the team.
    I know you, i know you love hanging out on vent with your guild. I bet you’re not doing that now, are you?

    • Yeah I kicked myself for letting me have a reaction on vent mainly because I thought it would then lead to more comments to see what my reaction would be.
      lol, no outside of raids I don’t do anything with my guild tbh. I guess I really have to make the choice if I can put up with it for the sake of clearing bosses or try to find a team that suits more, trying to find a new team sounds difficult. I don’t like change too much 🙂

  4. As I see it we play WoW to have fun. The main question isn’t if you’re to sensetive or if they are to imature but rather if you get along and have fun together. If you’re in a raid team where you end up getting angry and having to put ppl on mute you’re not having fun. It’s as simple as that.

    I’ve been in similar situations with a few guilds and I’ve ended up leaving them to find my fun elsewhere. My time and energy is better spent with ppl who don’t make me angry. Then I can focus on the game insted of trying really hard not to be upset (trying not to be upset when you are can be quite the energy drain). I’m not saying you should just pack up and leave the first thing you do, but it always an options.

  5. I don’t think you are being precious at all. Or overly sensitive. If you were to demand that the raid cater to your wishes, that would be pushing it (however reasonable those wishes were), but that’s never going to work anyway.

    You have to take care of yourself first. If you are getting angry or uncomfortable in vent, then I see two choices for you: tell the raid leader you are not going to be using vent (or, as you did in the post, only raid with everyone but the raid leader muted), or tell the guild leader/raid leader that you are unhappy with the immaturity of the vent chat, it makes you uncomfortable, and you are thinking about quitting the [raid/guild/game] because of it. If, after a couple of weeks, it hasn’t changed, hand in your notice and find somewhere you are comfortable.

    /2cents

    • I’m not the sort of person to demand that something stops, i’m in the minority nor does being demandy like that work – ppl just get resentful. I think the way they talk is just who they are. I’ll mute the ones that are really making the comments – they aren’t actually making calls about strategy on vent so its not like i’ll miss their voices lol, and if I’m still getting annoyed then I guess its worth a change. I like being in a team that kills bosses but I don’t want to be in a position where. I I’m not enjoying myself all the time Games are meant to be fun and our downtime after all I guess.

  6. I’m sorry you aren’t enjoying your new raid group as much. Anytime you finish a raid just fed up it’s not a good place to be. I ended up quitting the game at the end of wrath for quite a while when I realized that almost every raid I was feeling like that and didn’t enjoy them anymore. It sounds like from your description there are 6 people though that you do get along well with so I would try talking to some of them and see if they are annoyed too. You all may decide that maybe going 25 man wasn’t such a good idea for you. I led raids for a 10 man at the beginning of wrath and most of the guild decided they wanted to do 25’s because they gave much better loot and were actually easier. Almost all of them ended up hating it and wishing months later that they’d never left the 10 man. The game is supposed to be fun, and if you aren’t having fun then find someplace where you can. Some places just aren’t good fits.

    I will say one thing from the other side though. It sounds like your 6 are still segrated in your own little group. Try and do things with people from the rest of the guild more to see if you can get to know them better. Too often in bigger guilds they can get divided into a bunch of smaller cliques.

    • I don’t think everyone of the 6 is actually enjoying the change that much but I think also that too much time and effort has been put into the conversion so I don’t think going back to a 10man is possible. I think some of my reaction is that I’m not really enjoying 25 which is probably a bigger issue but tbh I’m in 2 minds about it, it’s annoying having so many people in a raid/vent but in some ways its easier – there are more ppl with cd’s/interrupts etc and we’ve been able to 23man content that you couldn’t do with 8, I don’t think, so it means if we lose ppl or ppl are away raids can keep going easier.
      I think you could be right about it being a little divided too.

  7. Oh Z I’m sorry you’re having a rubbish time of things. I figured something was up, given you haven’t been online all that much and you haven’t been posting a lot. 😦

    I’m actually really REALLY angry about this. Mostly I’m pissed off about the guy who said you wouldn’t be enjoying vent. he acknowledged that they were being jerks and offensive, but then kept right on doing it anyway! It’s childish and I honestly don’t blame you for being upset about it. I’ve been in your shoes – being the only girl in the raid team. Difference for me was I was raid leading, and it gave me the right to turn around and tell people to cut it out when things get out of line.

    I’m disappointed your raid leader isn’t doing something about it. It’s their job to make sure everyone in the team is at least comfortable being there, and clearly you’re not. Though reading through your comments I get the impression talking to him wouldn’t make all that much of a difference anyway…?

    I will echo what others have said here – this is a game, and you’re supposed to be having fun.

    • Hi Cinder 🙂 It’s not all raiding related me not posting as much, i really need to get into doing something else so I have something to write about.
      I think you’re right about the annoying bit being acknowleding it being rude or annoying or whatever and then doing it still. If they were oblivious than that would be less frustrating than saying they are talking crap and keep going. I don’t think it’s just a female thing though – it’s quite possible that others are over it.
      Tonight’s the first raid since I got annoyed last week so I’ll see how it goes.

  8. I wouldn’t last very long in your group, I’m afraid.

    You state that vent isn’t ‘overly filthy’ or ‘full of’ dirty jokes…do you literally mean that the sort of language you describe is common, and some nights it just gets worse than other nights?

    Our raid group doesn’t have tolerance for that sort of talk. We’re a mixed group, half men, half women, and we’re expected to respect one another in that environment. I don’t have a problem whatsoever with people who want to use that language on their own time and more importantly, in their own channel, but the raid isn’t the time for language that has the potential to be inflammatory.

    I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive, but perhaps the true “atmosphere” of your raid environment needs to be more clearly defined by the raid leader, and then maybe you need to decide if it’s a good place for you. Personally, I would choose not raiding at all over raiding with people that I don’t enjoy playing with. Muting/ignoring guildies and raid partners is one of the biggest red flags IMO indicating something is not at all right.

    There’s a good raid group on our server, I’ve raided with several of their players in alt groups, but I wouldn’t raid with them—they advertise their raid and guild as explicit/adult and that anything goes in chat. Again, totally fine if that’s what you’re looking for. In your case, there’s likely another group out there who will be a better fit from the way it sounds.

    • Yep, that sort of talk is pretty common but not always. Tbh early last week I was finally feeling like I was starting to enjoy 25m but then the talking dumb escalated. This is the first time I’ve been in a team with no other girls, out of 3 10man groups I’ve raided with in the past there has always been at least 3 other girls but regardless of gender I’m sure there are other ppl that do and don’t enjoy different types of raid teams.
      You’re right about muting/ignoring guildies being a red flag. I’ve never done that before and it’s not really an ideal situation. I guess I definately need to make a decision about whether I want to be in a raid team where I feel I need to mute to avoid talk I don’t like or I find a team more suited to my values.

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